The Next Chapter Isn’t Theirs Alone
How to reclaim your health, your friendships, and your joy in this new era.
Earlier this week, I wrote about all the energy we pour into our kids’ details.
But there are some details we can tend to for ourselves as we start to move those chickens out of the nest. This season can be a reset for us too. A chance to take some of that energy and pour it back into our own health, friendships, and dreams.
Kari Kampakis says it beautifully in her book More Than a Mom:
“Mothers sacrifice (it is what we do best), yet sometimes in our determination to love our people well, we overextend ourselves. We can get lost in our support roles, tending to everyone else’s needs while forgetting about our own. We prioritize the wellness of our loved ones at the expense of our wellness. We let sacrifices evolve into quiet self-neglect.”
And she’s right. How many times have we taken our sick child to the doctor but pushed through our own illness? Or made sure our kids had balanced meals while we ate the half eaten bag of chips our kid left in the car? It’s so easy to dismiss our own needs in the name of giving.
I have a personal experience with this. In 2020, I lost 50 pounds over a handful of months. After only four days of focusing on what I put in my body and how I moved it, my kids and husband noticed. I was kinder, more patient, less critical. The entire family started walking together, and I realized how much my health shaped the atmosphere of our home. Taking care of myself wasn’t selfish; it was transformative for all of us.
And here’s what the research confirms. It isn’t only about eating well or moving our bodies. It’s about connection. Harvard researchers have found that social disconnection increases the risks of heart disease, stroke, anxiety, depression, and even dementia. Loneliness raises your risk of early death almost as much as smoking. On the flip side, strong social ties—good friends, trusted circles, communities where you feel safe—are the best predictor of living longer, healthier lives.
So what does this mean for us, as the taillights fade and our kids step into their independence? It means building our own communities and creating a life that sustains us. Here are a few ideas:
Surround yourself with a positive community. Making friends as an adult is hard, but it matters. Start with interests you enjoy. Say yes to the invitation. Be the one to reach out (Mel Robbins has some amazing advice on this).
Learn something new. Try mahjong, take a painting class, pick up tennis…anything that stretches your brain and connects you with people who energize you.
Revisit your 16-year-old self. What did she love? Music, writing, sports, fashion, art? Bring a small piece of it back into your life.
Explore the “roads not taken.” That profession you never pursued but always admired? Dip a toe in. Take a class, shadow someone, go back to school. If you want to volunteer, fine. But you’ve been GIVING for so long, what if you just did something (gasp) FOR YOUR OWN ENJOYMENT in these first years?
Move your body and your mind. Walk, lift, dance, learn, create. It does not have to be complicated. You do not have to buy a weighted vest. You do not have to join a gym. Sneakers on, hit the ground, aim for 5,000 steps a day…and keep going. Ask a neighbor or friend you haven’t connected with to walk (see #1). And—challenge—try to talk about your own life, your own aspirations, rather than just talking about other people the entire time. Bonding over gossip is not the lasting positive connection that will lift you up (because you go home and ask…do they talk about me when they walk without me?). Keep your focus on growth instead of Life360 check-ins of your kid across campus.
Don’t numb with stuff that won’t make you feel confident later. Junk food. Bottles of wine. Online shopping. Doom scrolling. You get it.
The truth is this: one of the best gifts we can give our families isn’t just a well-stocked dorm or a tidy home. It’s a mom who is thriving. A mom who laughs with friends, keeps her mind alive, and makes space for joy.
Mothering ourselves is the surest way to keep mothering them well.
P.S. I started following Kari online because I admired her wisdom about raising girls. When she came to speak in our area this spring, I volunteered to drive her to and from her hotel. In one of those short rides, I mentioned that I used to write. She looked at me and said: “Start a Substack.” That little push is the reason you’re reading this today. Thank you, Kari!